1.31.2005

More KG


Kelly was truley a strange kid. When he arrived on Butternut Drive he talked like a rapper, listened to the Dead Milkmen, had an exact replica of a Brian Bosworth mohawk and he was wearing a Bon Jovi t-shirt. The simulated butt rape with a safety horseshoe goal post reminded me of other gay things that happened between us.

Like the time we tried to make our own cigars out of sassafras leaves. We picked a whole trashbag full of them and then layed them out on his driveway in the July sun to cure them. Then we chopped them up (this process took all day) rolled them and smoked them. We were 11 years old. Remember I said Kelly was a huge kid. Well the cigars were a bust so we rode our bikes to Farm Fresh and bought a box of Dutch Masters cigars. Kelly looked 16 which was the legal age for Tobbacco back then. On they way back home we got milkshakes at McDonalds. The gay part is that as we smoked our cigars and drank our milkshakes in the woods we carved huge dicks into the side of a tree with my dad's Bowie Knife. Later I threw up.

Kelly was a dirt bike racer and had a really fast full sized dirt bike which my parents wanted me to have nothing to do with. We made a really nice race course through the woods with natural jumps and would take the whole track really fast. I would sit on the back with my arms around Kelly because I could never get the hang of shifting the gears so I could never ride it by myself. One summer day I was wearing really short shorts (my mom would never put out the money so that I could buy some proper Jams or their much desired counterpart Skidz). On this day Kelly was being especially agressive with the course and I kept losing my grip on him. I was yelling at him to scoot forward and he was yelling back "my nuts are already on the tank", just then as we were both distracted we hit a jump and I came all the way off the bike, as I was falling I burned the area where my buttcheek and leg meet on the hot tailpipe. Also for some reason I put my arms out and grabbed on to the fender and was being dragged Indiana Jones style through the leaves. Kelly, instead of stopping was looking back laughing and yelling "let go, let go!" I finally did and rolled around in pain, covered in dirt and wincing from the burn. It covered the enite surface of my leg right under the fold of my right cheek. i stood up doing the little kid "ow ow ow" fast walk. Kelly being afraid that my parents might ban the dirtbike from the woods immediately wanted to Doctor me up. We went in to his bathroom where he talked me into stripping down to my tighty whities and he looked at it close up for way too long and then poured peroxide over it. I was screaming by this time and insisted that I go home. When I got home there was no hiding my filthy clothes and limp. So Kelly got to play doctor on my ass and my mom banned me from any further dirt biking.

I'm trying to think of something we did that didn't have homo overtones...

There was the time we camped out in his dad's boat under the stars and I was laying on the floor of the cabin and Kelly was up on the bench above me and he told me the story of Sausage Lips Jones which had the suprise ending of Sausage Lips' dead body falling out of the cupboard which Kelly inacted by rolling off the bench and falling face to face on top of me lingering too long...

That's pretty gay.

How about the time when Kelly slipped up and told his parents that we found their dildo while snooping in their room. When they sat us down to explain to us that they were adults and they deserved their privacy and besides the King Kong Dong was a joke gift anyway to which kelly replied "I know I mean what did you think we were going to do with it?" (and then half standing up from the couch he made an underneath the butt upward stabbing motion and in a childlike voice said, "Duke me in da butt, duke me in da butt" I was in tears frozen in horror...

Okay wait I've got one. One time I was called over to the house late on a saturday night to be the signed participating witness to kelly's adoption of his Cabbage Patch Kid who was dressed as a football player that he named Kelly Jr...

Fuck.

We were 11.

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