Holiday Inn my pants...

I realized that when I'm expecting the cleaning lady to come clean my hotel room, I pick up a little...
and then I check my hair.

Tithing as an 18th Century German Boy

I'm from Hampton Roads home of Pat Robertson and his motto is "The visible world is controlled by the invisible world" and he's so stupid and he gets me so mad that my eye starts twitching, but then I think, "what if he's right and that's an angel poking me in the face saying, "you'd better listen to him".
I hope he's not right because I also suffer from spastic colon.

I'd hate to think that a samurai and a confederate soldier were riding a train on me.
I could have a samurai ghost right? Why do they have to only haunt their own country. Some one must delegate the hauntings. What if a ghost was transfered? That's why in every reinactment of a haunting you see two objects float just a little off of a table, rotate slightly and then set back down, all while there's moaning and shrieking. That's some ancient Incan who's never seen a Hummel and a remote control. He's freaking the fuck out.


Dairy should be illegal

It was in the sixth grade that I realized it was the milk in my breakfast cereal that made me fart continuously for eight hours a day. By then the damage had been done.


San Andreas Fault

I got mad the other day because I was thinking about how some kids would come to school with a project that their fathers helped them do (or did for them) and they would look beautiful and professional. In the 6th grade I was assigned to make a San Andreas Fault so I came home and begged my dad to help me with it. He said OK (for the first time ever) and I thought this was going to be "the one". We go to Paul's Arts & Crafts and get a box of modeling plaster. We brought it home and my dad mixed it and poured all of it in a metal pan. It has to set over night and it swells up like bread. It's fucking huge the next day and it's like a 2 square foot brick of white plaster thats smooth and hilly on top like butter top. Then my dad takes it out but he can't get a clean break in it like the fault so it shatters into a couple of different pieces. I line them up on some dirty old board we had in the garage and proceed to paint it with the brown (for the dirt) and green (for the grass) paint we got at Paul's except we just picked up any old paint we saw and this wasn't paint that sticks to fucking modeling plaster. I had to really pour the paint on but it was all uneven and you could see swirls of the white plaster underneath and it wouldn't dry so we had to leave it out over night. Then the next morning (when it was due) I went out to get the Fault and the paint/plaster/chilly spring morning combo that we created grew these long salt crystals all over it. So I had this white, brown and green fuzzy brick of broken cement "mounted" on a piece of plywood and the whole thing weighed about 25 pounds. I only weighed about 65. (A note about my dad) he was an amatuer junk yard owner, (for real) which was in our yard for at least 15 years, and I think his skills and interests reflected in the art of our San Andreas Fault. So my biggest regret now is that the fucking theme song from Sanford and Son wasn't playing at volume 10 while I presented this hulking piece of shit to my uninterested classmates.